New Announcer Ratings – Tony Romo is a Prophet, Rex Ryan Needs a Beer or 4

The start of the NFL Season (SZN?) this past Sunday finally brought football back into our living rooms. With it came a slew of new changes, unique to this football year. For example, all the quarterbacks suck this year. That’s exciting. Along with the coaching changes and rule changes, you also may have noticed that two former fixtures of the field on Sundays, have moved to the booth. I’m talking of course of Tony Romo and Rex Ryan.

It really was a tale of two sides in their commentorial debuts. By that I mean that Romo did a pretty good job and was super likable, where as  Sexy Rexy commentated the same way he coached the Bills, not great.

To be fair, Rex was not not given a lot to work with for his Sunday night debut. The rest of his ESPN broadcast team was made up of the college football lady I usually change the channel on, and new viral sideline sensation Sergio Dipp, who actually was so terrible he made Rex Ryan look John Madden in comparison. It was the proverbial “D team”, calling the late night Monday game for a much more condensed viewing audience. The odds were stacked against him from the start, but beyond the team he was stuck with, Ryan often struggled when it was time for him to do that whole talking thing his new job requires. Too many times he started a point and simply got lost at the end, trailing off and not finishing his full sentence. He interrupted his partner a lot, and had a tough time getting away from rehashing the play we just saw, rather than providing any new analysis. He wasn’t loose at all, and you could hear it through the screen. To me, there’s only one solution to fix this problem. Someones got to get Sexy Rexy some booze! Seriously Rex Ryan should be required to drink the entire time he is commentating. I’m talking a steady stream of Budweiser constantly being brought to his booth by some unpaid intern. I want an IV setup that’s filled to the brim with vodka red bulls, being mainlined directly into Rex’s system. When I listen to a commentator, I want it to feel like I’m watching the game at home, drinking a beer with that color guy in my living room. Rex Ryan is an electric factory, and he absolutely has the talent and the football know how to succeed as a broadcaster. You just gotta let the big dawg eat. I don’t want to hear Rex Ryan in another broadcast booth unless he is socially lubricated to the point where this is happening.

I give him 4 foot fetish videos out of 10

Tony Romo on the other hand was a breath of fresh air in a broadcast field that as of lately has become a bit mundande. Romo absolutely nailed the whole ‘make it sound like your grabbing a beer with the commentator in your living room’ thing, that Rex couldn’t exactly grasp. Romo took about a quarter to get going, but after he figured it out, he sounded natural, and enthusiastic, and  most importantly brought a whole new perspective to the booth, that you rarely see.

I loved Tony Romo going out there and calling plays before they happened. The predictions were impressive, but more so than that, I enjoyed how he highkighted before the play the correct person to key in on before the snap even happened. It gives you a reallly good insight into the mind of a quarterback. One in particular, who has 14 years of experience under his belt…and two playoff wins. I was listening to a podcast recently where they talked about visiting Tony Romo before the season started, and talking to him about how he was preparing for his new commentary gig. One of the podcast guys suggested that Romo plays some Madden and try’s commentating over that to get some reps in. Tony thinks this is a great idea, and goes and fires up Madden for them watch. What the podcast guys didn’t know, is that Tony Romo is a Madden savant and is ranked around 100 in the world. He starts playing some no named also ranked chump, who has no idea he is playing a former nfl QB, and Romo tears him apart. He no huddles every single play and reads the opposing defense as they set up, then audibles and hot routes at the line to exploit the opponent to victory. Romo got so lost in the game that he didn’t do any commentary, but buried his opponent instead. Thats the kind of play recognition that only experts can acquire, and if that is the skill that he is going to be bringing to the booth week after week, then I for one cant wait to tune in in the future.

I give Romo 8 playoff losses out of 10.

If Rex gets some booze in him, I want to tune into that too.

Lets Start a Dialogue: Bring Happy Hour Back to Boston

You know in today’s day and age, with all the drama and negativity going on in the world, I think it’s really important to go out and support the important causes that effect countless individuals regardless of their race, gender or lifestyle

Image result for keep calm happy hour

So I got in a debate recently with a friend of mine who lives in Chicago about who has the better city. Chicago is pretty dope, and definitely worth checking out if you’ve never been. Boston however, invented America and bends other cities over when it comes to sports, so I think I had a pretty good argument. In the end, there was one thing that ultimately swayed the debate to the Chicago side, and that is that Boston has no Happy Hour.
Happy Hour has not been around in the city of Boston since 1984 when it was Banned by then Governor Michael Dukakis. The Governors brother had recently been killed in a hit and run incident which was cause by a drunk driver, and the rest they say is history. Boston was the first major city to ban this joyous, much loved practice, and dozens of other states followed suit. The ban of Happy Hour was a pretty popular practice for a while in America, until at one point someone said (probably), “wait, are we sure Happy Hour is the problem?” and then boom, like hot cakes, States and cities started bringing Happy Hour back. In 2012 Illinois ended a 24 year ban on Happy Hour. In 2013 Pennsylvania increased the allowable Happy Hour hours from two to 4. In 2016 Kansas ended a 26 year band on this boozy tradition. Today Massachusetts is one of only 4 states to ban Happy Hour, and one of those other states is Utah, and that state shouldn’t even count.
There are numerous statistics to back up the fact that alcohol related incidents have not decreased since happy hour was removed. In fact, According to the Alcohol Alert website, the number of drunken driving fatalities dropped in Massachusetts, from 409 in 1983 to just 130 in 2011. The percentage of deaths related to alcohol dropped too, from 62 percent of all crashes to 39 percent. It’s almost like letting people drink for a few hours after work has no real adverse affects. Hmmm. Lets make this happen people. Sign the god damn petition.

Seasons Greetings! its National Watermelon Day AKA Black Half Christmas

Image result for national watermelon day

Praise the lawd Praise the lawd, its that time of year again folks! National Watermelon Day. The day that black folks everywhere have marked off on a little sticky note on the inside of their wallets, next to an EBT card and a packet of Kool Aid. A joyous day, celebrating arguably the tastiest and certainly the juiciest of the fruits.

Now listen here white people because this is important. Black folk don’t really get that many nice things. Sure you gave us the month of February, but that’s the shortest god damn month of the year, and black people don’t even like the cold. National Watermelon Day is a day that black folk everywhere can actually get excited about, which is why I propose that on Friday August 3rd, every year, black people shouldn’t have to work. We can call it Black Half Christmas.

Now is August 3rd halfway to December? Doesn’t matter. Lets be real white people, I think you owe us. Whats one day out of the year in the middle of Summer? offices everywhere do summer hours, and its not like the economy of the world collapses when the weather gets a little nice out. Plus if shit actually does go bad, then you white people will realize that you actually needed us the whole time. That’s right! Surprise! its a win win for the blacks, and a “oh shit look how racist you are” for the whites. Plus who doesn’t love watermelon. Its god damn delicious. This date needs to happen, and I for one cannot wait. Mark your calendars folks.

Little Girl Finds Sword in Lake Where King Arthur Once Threw Away his Sword, May or May Not Now be the Queen of England

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/girl-7-finds-4ft-sword-11106508

Two things. Let me start this off by saying I’ve watched a lot of Game of Thrones and read one of the books so I know what I’m talking about here; this chick is the new queen of England right? I mean this sword was found in the exact same spot where King Arthur is said to have discarded Excalibur back in the day. Doing a little capitol J journalism, I dug up this fun fact. As is tradition:

The legend of King Arthur tells the tale of his sword Excalibur, the holder of which is the true king (or queen) of Britain.
The sword was given to him by the mythical ‘Lady of the Lake’, bringing him good fortune and incredible combat skills.
After he lost the sword in the Battle of Camlann, Arthur was mortally injured, and upon his death a knight (either Sir Griflet or Sir Bedivere) hurled it into the lake. However before it touched the surface a women’s hand reached out of the water to grasp it.
The Lady of the Lake is said to have held the sword below Dozmary Pool, where Mathilda and her family were visiting, until the next person worthy of the British throne finds it.
In some retellings of the legend Excalibur is the same sword a young Arthur pulled from the stone to be crowned King.

So as you can see, this 7 year old needs to get her Daenerys Targaryan on, because shes got a legitimate claim to the throne. I’m pretty sure she needs to march up to the steps of Buckingham Palace, 4ft sword in hand, and challenge that old ass Queen of England to a trial by combat. Seriously I think this chick even at 7 years old, with a clearly mythical sword in hand, would have no problem defeating that 91 year-old bag of bones. Can you imagine this pay per view too? this without a doubt would make more money than Mcgreggor vs Mayweather. Give that money to the government of the UK, boom financial crisis solved. Look at what this chick is doing already. Long live the queen!

Girl, 7, pulls legendary 'Excalibur' sword from lake where King Arthur threw it

Julian Edelman is so Loyal to Tom Brady That he Took the Madden Curse from Him

There are few things in life as special as the bond between a quarterback and his receiver. It was not too many years ago where a sunglass clad, bitch face crying Terell Owens took to the podium and proclaimed, “That’s my quarterback Man”. For years the relationship between guy who throws the ball and guy wh ctches the ball has been tried true and tested, but perhaps the greatest relationship of them all can be found in Foxborro, Massachusetts.

Much has been said about the Tom Brady and Julian Edelman bromance. The on the field chemistry is undeniable, and it really seems that Young Jules truly looks up to elder statesman Tom. Just look at this video he made for his signal caller on his 40th birthday.

Thats love folks.

Now, at the head of 2017 football season, when Tom Brady graces the cover of Madden NFL 18 for the first time in his career, Julian Edelman has made the ultimate sacrifice for his quarterback. I’m going to hit you with a little capitol J real quick. The Madden video game franchise has been around for nearly 20 years. In that time 17 out of the 20 Madden Cover athletes have had troubled or abruptly shortened seasons, following their cover appearance #Stats. So what does Mr. Edelman do this year? He kicks that curse right in the pussy thats what he does. Now I’m a Pats fan. It absolutely sucks that Julian Edelman is going to have to miss the 2017 season. Thank the lord we got Brandin Cooks in the off season. But besides that, the Patriots mantra has always been “next man up”. I have no doubt in my mind that The Pats will make due with what they have like they always do, and that they will perform terrifically once again. Tom Brady is going to ball this year, and I one for one am thanking Julian Edelman for that.

 

Kyra Sedgwick Didn’t Realize she was Married to her Cousin, Kevin Bacon, for 29 years. Point Black People

https://www.yahoo.com/tv/kyra-sedgwick-she-learned-husband-kevin-bacon-her-002009648.html

“I Wasn’t surprised honestly…I mean most white people are related, ultimately.”

Hey white lady, that’s disgusting. Have some respect for your toothy ass, Kevin Bacon cousin loving self. Seriously, is this the most nonchalant answer of all time to finding out you’ve been involved in some Game of Thrones type love shit for 3 decades? She wasn’t even phased, I mean they have two kids together. Thats gross. Clean it up white people. You know who this would never happen too?

Black people.

Thats right! Stings don’t it white people. Unlike you lot, we pride ourselves on diversifying amongst the community. Historically, Black people will have kids with like 4 to 5, shit maybe 7 different women. Ip so facto, by saturating the market place, we ensure that we don’t stay banging our cousins for 29 years. You white people always thought it was because we have loser morals, but surprise, its really to avoid incest and nasty ass cousin lovin relationships like the Bacons’. Look at Antonio Rodgers-Cromartie, formerly of Jets fame. First of all, “Rodgers-Cromartie”, pretty sure hyphen is an instant indicator that your parents weren’t related. Secondly, he has had 12 different children with 9 different women. That is the definition of diversifying amongst the community. Cromartie reportedly pays each women around 3,500 dollars a month in child support. Which works out to 336,000 dollars a year. Thats how you use that dick money!

Look at you nasty ass white people, and your committed relationships. Kyra Sedgwyk is right, most white people are related, and that makes me sick.

Arbitrary Lists: My Top 5 Birds

5. Puffins

Image result for puffins

What’s not to love about the Puffin? Just look at them, they’re chill, they eat fish, and they’re pretty damn cute. If you have to pick a bird to back up the list, I think the puffin is a pretty good choice. Plus bitches love puffins

4. Owls

Image result for owl

Owls are pretty boss dude. They’re wise as fuck, and they can swivel they’re necks. Plus they can deliver mail, and I’m pretty sure they eat they’re prey whole, bones and all. That’s pretty bad ass. Plus they always look cool.

3. Pterodactyls

Are Pterodactyls actually birds? No idea. But they fly, and aren’t birds derived from dinosaurs or something like that. Regardless, if you’ve seen Jurassic Park 2, you know that Pterodactyls ain’t nothing to fuck with. They had like crazy wing spans and probably just rained death from above. I almost picked the crazy birds from Avatar over them, but that would just be ridiculous.

2. Mallard Duck

A very majestic bird. Sure they shit everywhere, but let’s be real here, everybody likes ducks. Ducks are like The One Direction of the bird world. They might not be your cup of tea, but they got a lot of talent, and you can’t deny their popularity. The Mallard duck is just the most classic example of duck species.

1. Bald Eagle

Could there be any other pick for the top spot? Nothing says America like the Bald Eagle. It’s the belle of the ball of the bird world. The Grand Puba. The Jay-Z of the flying animal kingdom. Fun fact, Bald Eagles build the biggest nest out of every bird in the world. That’s King shit. The bottom line is the best bird bar none had got to be the Bald Eagle, and really it’s not even close. ‘Murica

All Green Fruits are Trash

As I get older and make my way through life, I’ve learned that it is important to be healthy and to try and eat the right things. For example, I buy fruit now. Before I only used to call people fruits. You see I’ve come a long way, and as I find myself perusing the produce aisle, I have come to realize one major takeaway about life. That takeaway is that all green fruits are trash; all red fruits are far superior, and if you disagree I will fight you.

Related image

Lets start with king right off the bat. Avocados.

Image result for rotten avocados

Avocados are hot garbage and I don’t care what anybody thinks. They are a mushy, severely overrated food, and frankly I don’t understand why people like them because they don’t taste like anything!  In recent years, for some reason or another, avocados have absolutely blown up like the World Trade, and I’m sick of the recognition and dick sucking they receive in today’s society. Avocados weren’t even a thing for like 20 years of my life. Now all of a sudden basic bitches everywhere must let the internet know whenever this dumpster fire of a fruit crosses their table. Try and go a Sunday without seeing a picture of an avocado, you cant. They have become exactly what the people who consume them are, basic, and they lead the charge for all of the other basic green fruits that are out there.

Lets go through the list:

Image result for bad green apples Green apples – Way worse than red apples. Sour as shit. Used by witches.

Related image Green grapes – Way worse than red grapes. Sour as shit. Probably eaten by witches.

Image result for bad green pearPears – Weird ass fruit. Charlie Kelly’s never had one, so I’m going to go ahead and avoid them too.

Image result for bad green kiwi Kiwis – Super weird ass fruit. Who even eats Kiwis? I’ll answer that question for you, pedophiles, that’s who eats kiwis.

Image result for honeydew melon Honey Dew Melon – Honey Dew is the Blaine Gabbert of melons. Watermelon is Tom Brady. Cantaloupe is maybe Drew Brees.

Image result for Olives Olives – All olives are gross. Green olives are the grossest. Martini’s are for pussys.

So there you have it. As you can see, green fruits just really aren’t that good. If there is a different color alternative such as red grapes or red apples, you should without a doubt go in that direction. If you are eating the standalone green fruits, then you are probably a psychopath, and I don’t know what to tell you. If you are eating an avocado, you’re already part of the problem. Eat red fruit people, you’ll be happy you did.

 

Rick Ross on Interacting with Female Coworkers in the Workplace

http://www.complex.com/music/2017/07/rick-ross-signing-women-to-mmg-i-gotta-fuck-a-couple-times

 

Ricky Rozay was back at it again last week, with some interesting comments about hiring female rappers to his MMG record label. During an interview on the Breakfast Club morning show, Rick Ross gave an answer (at 8:45 into the video) that would make any HR person squirm in their seats.

“You know, I never did it because I always thought, like, I would end up fucking a female rapper and fucking the business up. I’m so focused on my business. I just, I gotta be honest with you. You know, she looking good. I’m spending so much money on her photo shoots. I gotta fuck a couple times.”

I love it. People give Rick Ross a lot of shit for being a fake “Bawse” and for coming up with a fake persona which he then built his career on, but this right here, this is a bawse ass response. Are you ever going to bring female rappers into MMG? “I gotta fuck a couple times”. That is fantastic. Granted it is horribly offensive, but it is an absolutely gold line. Thank god we have rappers to keep women in their place. At the rate we’re going, the whole world might crumble into a PC mess, but at least we’ll always have rap music to make things right again. The misogynistic works of individuals such as Rick Ross serve similarly to a time capsule, allowing us to reflect in remembrance of  better times. Its nice. People forget, Rick Ross made another fire statement a few years ago.

“Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it
I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain’t even know it”

Problematic. Don’t change Rozay, don’t ever change

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bambi’s Mom Deserved to Die; and Other Things I learned in the American West

So last week I took a much needed vacation. I flew into Denver, visited a local shoppe. Made a purchase that stretched the legal limits of the great state of Colorado, and then embarked on a 6 day adventure through the canyon filled, wild western land of Utah.

Image result for utah

Honestly, pretty dope trip. I was blown away by how different and unique life is on the other side of the Rockies. I blasted through 4 National Parks on my way to the Grand Canyon, which let me tell you, Joe Dirt did not do it justice. My reaction to the Grand Canyon was like when a pornstar pretends shes seeing a massive hog for the first time. Jaw dropping; and Parks like Zion and Bryce in Utah were equally impressive. I now realize, If you even remotely like the outdoors, its something that you need to see.

I witnessed many things  on my Journey through Mormon country, here are few key takeaways:

 

  • Deer are Trash animals: This isn’t necessarily something I learned, but more something that is a fact that I feel like most people don’t believe in. Deer are trash. All they do is putz around, shitting pellets everywhere, and eat people’s plants. They carry ticks, they make weird noises, and worst of all they’re too stupid to get out of the way of vehicles driven by drivers who just made purchases in Denver. Deer are the rats of the forest, and I am tired of the positive spin they have in America. There was one point we were driving and a huge traffic jam formed out of nowhere. What caused this you ask? Oh, just a baby deer and his shitty mom deer just chilling in the edge of the road. They were just standing there, chewing, oblivious to the friggin world around them. The deer made one lane stop, and then the other lane slowed down to see why the first lane stopped, and then everyone stopped to take pictures of the stupid deer, and now I’m looking at the stupid deer and they’re chewing with their stupid deer faces, and nobody can pass on the either side, and it was a gigantic clusterfuck, and its all because of the stupid deer, just standing there, staring back at the cars, staring back at them. Deer bring nothing to the table and I’m happy Venison is delicious, also Bambi’s mom deserved to die. Thats right I said it. Image result for deer waste basket
  • Smokes go to National Parks: Planning a trip to Utah, I was not high on the prospects of seeing attractive women. I assumed that National Parks would be filled with weird nature dudes and that Utah would be filled with Mormons or people with no teeth. But I was wrong. Every National Park I went to was like a scouting combine for fit attractive females. Every park had these chicks in tight outfits crushing mountains and not complaining about doing so. The kind of girls you want to know. The nice nature ones, who are in shape, and go on hikes, and know how to pitch a tent if you catch my drift.  It was very impressive, and I talked to zero of them.

Image result for mountain yoga

  • Denver – Go there: Denver was dope. No pun intended. I’m a fan of any city who has those bike trolley’s where you get to drink in the road as you peddle along. Also the were a lot of girls with sleeve tattoos. I like that. I like Denver

Image result for broncos girls

  • Phoenix – Don’t go there: Arizona is like the Florida of the West, and Pheonix is like the Jacksonville of the West. Its hot and strange, and I don’t trust the locals as far asI can throw them. Also there were a lot of people in jorts. I don’t like that. I don’t like Phoenix.

Image result for jorts

  • Avoid the Dino Tracks in Tuba City: This one I can’t stress enough. Tuba City is in Arizona which should have been my first clue. When I got there I saw a sign off the highway that said “Dino Tracks”. Sounds pretty cool, who doesn’t like dinosaurs. And seeing actual fossils in the wild, sign me up. So I followed the sign off the highway and turned down this sketchy dirt rode in search of dinosaur remains. At the end of the road were a bunch of thrown together shacks, decorated in blankets and feathers, with what seemed to be homeless people chilling on the outside. As I got closer I  realized that these weren’t homeless people, but were in fact Navajo Indian’s, and one was fast approaching the truck. Now I don’t know too much about Indian’s, and don’t want to make any assumptions, but this dude was absolutely an alcoholic and may or may not have been on drugs. The first thing he shouts to us, as he runs over from the shanty, “How’d you guys find this place? was it the sign?” He then proceeded to shake our hands while avoiding eye contact which dropped him to a quick 0-2 count. He told us the dino tracks are uncovered fossils on the path into the dessert and that, all tours of the tracks would be accompanied by a native. There is no doubt in my mind, this dude was going to rob, murder or curse us. Indian curses are not something I need in my life right now, so we told him we’d meet him at the tracks, then we got in our truck and sped out of there before you could say smallpox.

Image result for tuba city

All in all it was an awesome trip that I would recommend to anyone. The three state combination of Colorado, Utah and Arizona has some of the coolest scenery that most American’s never get to see but absolutely should. As long as you avoid deer and natives, I promise you’ll have a blast.